Rick and I married in the Fall of 2019.
I met him just after his divorce.
His ex-wife had cheated on him…
And they decided to go their separate ways.
Rick’s son, Michael, I loved like he was my own.
He endearingly called me “Momzie”.
I did my best to stay kind toward Rick’s ex.
I was trying to earn back some “good karma,” you know?
Then the pandemic hit.
And I was not prepared for what came next.
Like everyone else, we were confused and a little scared – mostly about our finances.
Even though I’d been trained in some basic computer programming…
That career never really went anywhere.
So I had a dead-end job in retail.
Rick had just started working a sales job that required some travel…
And together, we were starting to make some financial progress.
But by the beginning of March, we saw the writing on the wall.
The country was headed toward lock-down…
Which meant we’d both lose our incomes.
Even though I’d been trained in some basic computer programming…
That career never really went anywhere.
So I had a dead-end job in retail.
Rick had just started working a sales job that required some travel…
And together, we were starting to make some financial progress.
But by the beginning of March, we saw the writing on the wall.
The country was headed toward lock-down…
Which meant we’d both lose our incomes.
But here’s the thing.
He was soooo close to scoring his first really big sales commission with a client in Seattle.
And if he could close that deal before the lockdown, we would be in MUCH better shape financially.
So, we both agreed that he should go and try to close the deal while he could.
But it ended up being the last time I saw him alive.
While he was away, he got sick and had to go to the hospital.
I struggle to keep myself from picturing him struggling to breathe, scared and alone…
His lungs shutting down with no one at his side to hold his hand or encourage him.
I was racked with worry – and guilt.
Michael was convinced his daddy would pull through.
But he didn’t.
He spent his last hours alone in a barren, sterile hospital ICU, far from home and his family.
Two days after Rick died is when I got that text from his ex.
“That’s KARMA you fat, ugly b*tch!”
Not only was I feeling the deep, dark emptiness of losing Rick…
But I was also scared to death about how I would keep our family off the streets with the impending financial blow…
I was so encouraging of his work trip for our financial gain…
That I felt partly to blame for Rick being exposed to the virus and falling ill.
The whole Universe felt like it was against me…
And I couldn’t get my father’s voice out of my head:
“Karma’s gonna get you”…
And now Rick’s ex was saying the exact same thing.
It didn’t feel like a coincidence.
It felt like suffering was my destiny.
That was the darkest moment of my entire life.
Michael was devastated.
I could feel him looking to me for stability.
But my fear and uncertainty about what was going to happen next were so great…
I felt like I was letting him down in giving him the strength he so desperately needed from me.
I felt alone and hopeless.
No one had my back.
I didn’t know how I was going to put food on the table…
Pay rent…
Hell, just find and pay for toilet paper!
Maybe you can relate to having to care for EVERYONE else’s needs…
While your own needs always have to take the back seat.